ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
