I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize