I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
