I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize