Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
