Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
