It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
