Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
