i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize