Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
