My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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