I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm both gender and math confused
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
