Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I love having hate sex.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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