After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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