All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
