My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
