Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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