soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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