I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
