Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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