Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
