What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
