so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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