Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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