I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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