I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
