I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
