I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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