I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
