he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let's get the cat blown out
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
