I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
