Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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