Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
40s are totally the cure
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
