I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
