I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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