Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
