Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
