If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
