You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
