life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
