I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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