dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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