Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
