DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
