Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
