We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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