The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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