Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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