he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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