YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Crop dusting thru forever 21
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
