two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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