Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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