dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
