I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
