They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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