All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
