I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
