I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
