bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My vagina is very pro this idea
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
