you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
